Celebrated mediocrity.

 Serious fright, but everything's okay.
That was a tough night.

 Mou Mia Gyrizo (6:06:21 PM): so

Cause I can't face the evening straight
You can offer me escape
Houses move and houses speak
If you take me there you'll get relief


I'm in love with everything and it kind of hurts but it's a lot of fun. An improvement, even. 

Yay summer.
I'm not bored anymore. It's an awesome feeling.

How many times a day do you ask yourself, "What did I just do?"

Toooooo many.

I'm not crazy or whatever.


I feel bad. I don't know if I should feel good or worse, but I feel bad. I don't know how to feel things correctly. I can't make a decision to feel anything about anything because I'm too afraid to make decisions.

It's weird to think about how so much of my life right now was decided by little teeny things that didn't matter at all at the time. Being online at the right time meant having friends. Going to school 10 minutes late meant going to ISS and having one of the most awesome one-time encounters of my entire life. Sticking around for five minutes after school on the right day meant getting an awesome part in a play and getting involved in drama, which is the only worthwhile thing and pretty much the only worthwhile people I found at AHS. Being outside at the wrong time meant being hit, scratched, robbed, and traumatized. Taking a ride home from someone just because I wanted to spend the extra ten minutes with them meant dropping out. 

Little things that meant everything. So now, what's a big thing going to do to something that's already been dying?

My whole world is going to be turned upside down, probably.
BRACINGFOREPIC


I just keep thinking that in a few months I'll be good. That's what I've been saying for the last five or six years but I really mean it this time, or whatever. I don't know.

Where did my day go? Where did my year go? Where did high school go?  Where have I gone?

You nostalgia, you lose.
I really just want to go hang out at Summit Park again with everyone for a day without me having a bad time and blaming them for it.
Eighth grade was just really awesome. Every year is worse and better than the last. I can only imagine what the next year will be like.

I'm totally outside myself. I am not taking part in my life. It's just happening. It's just there. 

I am seventeen years old. I am going to be eighteen in less than two months. When the fuck did all that happen? What?

I hope the end of everyone's senior year is going great. I didn't talk to any of them until just now and they're all wonderful no matter how much I hate them, and I wish them the best. I lost face for the last two weeks and lied my way through everything just so people wouldn't look at me funny. I probably wouldn't be able to face half of them. Half of anybody at school. I can hardly face myself. But I'm watching this huge group of people that I've had classes with for 7 years finally get there and graduate, and I know they're all going to go on to do awesome things, and I just wish I was there with them. I've been waiting for that feeling for years and years, and I'm not going to get it. Instead I'm throwing away more than half of what I own and trying to find a way to pass the days until fall when I have something to do. I'm satisfied with my decision because it's what I had to do, but I'm bitter that it's what I had to do. And I'm bitter that I had to do it at the end of my senior year while every one else is counting down the days left. And I'm bitter that I didn't get to explain myself to most of them and that most of them probably think I'm an idiot or don't care at all. But still. I hope everything is great with everyone. Really, I do.

Guh. It's really time for me to stop being emo and get on with my life already. 
THX4LSTNINGELJAY

 Albuquerque High's administration thoroughly sucks. Nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise ever.

In other news, life is...better. I've been productive this last week and it feels good. Or that might be all the inebriants talking, but who cares. I'm getting shit done.

I don't know if this is just because I'm in one of my good moods or what, or if it'll last at all, but I'm happy with where my life is going, all things considered. If I could take back certain actions over the last few months I would, but I'm being forced to take things in a new direction and I think it's good for me, even if it's not what I wanted [at all]. I miss a few people at school but I'll be keeping in touch with the one's that matter, so it's okay. I'm not able to see my favorite people every day like I could before which is sad, but it's probably teaching me some kind of independence. I need people, I need my friends, but this is teaching me that I can also survive by myself. I'm just trying really hard to be positive about everything, even all the stuff that sucks [and there's kind of a lot of it]. 

Anyway, come see The Underpants at school, tonight and tomorrow at 7. It's a hilarious show that Peter directed with an awesome cast. It's seriously one of the funniest plays that has happened over the last four years. Do it.

Yay everything.

The only things that consistently helps me feel better when I feel bad is music. Singing and guitar and whatever. Ironically this was what I wanted to do with my life up until I was like 15 and realized something like psychology would be way easier. I've recently decided that whatever major I decide on, I'm going to do at least a few classes for music/voice, and possibly minor in it. I need to, I think. I also want to take some art classes if it's at all possible. I'm not good at drawing, I'm only good at making it seem like I'm good at it. So I want to get actually good at it and have something to show for all the time I spend by myself in my room. 

People look so happy when they're onstage. All the time. No matter who they are, if someone is playing music onstage in front of people they're pretty much always looking very very happy. I want this. I don't know when exactly or why exactly I decided I didn't anymore, but I do. 

Crushinnnn. I don't know what to do. He already knows and nothing happened and nothing will, but I can't let it go. 

I can't wait to grow up.

 "Have you ever, just, felt so sure of something...I don't know how to explain it. Even though...you're just...you just know. No matter what. You just know, that no matter what, you will accomplish...something. It will get done.  And you just know it, for whatever reason, it's just there. Have you ever felt like that?"

"No." 

I'm drifting. But not to sleep. 

I've had a shit couple of days. 

Rent auditions are next week. I'm nervous, but I'm going to go for it. I know that I can sing, but I can't do it in front of people. I can't really do anything in front of people. Like talk or breathe. Or stand still. Or think.

Still though. Rent. I'm hopingwishingdreaming for a lead, we'll see how that goes. I'm expecting ensemble if anything, that should be fun. There will be a lot of drama in the show but I still want to be a part of it. Having a lead in the musical that is the last show of my senior year would of course be ideal, but I am not picky and will take anything. 

Radiohead is therapeutic. I don't care what anyone says, they are an amazing band. So is The Fall of Troy. So is Circa Survive.
If nothing else, I have awesome music to fall back on :]

I'm glad that our friendship seems to be intact, but I am so embarassed. I just can't even look at [redacted] without wanting to crawl into a hole. I hope he'll totally and completely forget about it and just be friends with me. I will be destroyed if that can't happen. I just...don't even want to think about it. We'll see how it goes. I think I'm more upset than I'm admitting to myself. I mean I'm sure I am. I mean I know I'm upset because of how hard today was, but I think there's more here. I'm suspicious of myself. 
I don't think I've ever used the word "I" so much in 3 sentences. :[[ 

I'm really glad that Wit is next week. It's been a while since I've been proud of myself for something, so hopefully this will change that. Plus it will give me something to do. I'm trying really really hard to care about it. I don't think I've really convinced myself yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm just babbling. I just don't even make sense to myself. I need to figure out myself before I can pursue anything with anyone. That's the lesson I've learned here. Also, I need to get serious about something. Anything. Painting, drawing, singing, guitar, something. I need something to focus on so I can stop focusing on all the things that aren't there. They'll come, eventually, I'm just impatient so I need something to distract me while I'm waiting.

I've never felt like this before. This is very real to me, more than a lot of things are. I'm embracing whatever it is that's happening to me wholeheartedly, I think. I'm trying to, anyway. Whatever comes of this, it is going to be a big change of some kind, and probably a permanent one. Because clearly whatever I've done so far that's led me up to this point hasn't worked. 

Change, is what it comes down to. Hopefully for the better. We'll see.

Awesome.

Okay. Okay. This is either going to be really awesome, or it's going to really suck. We'll see whether or not I'm capable of being normal and having friends. Also, whether or not I'm capable of being in a room with more than 4 or 5 people and not dying. This...we'll see.

No, really.

I would sincerely appreciate it if all my friends stopped being secret jerks and not talking to me about anything ever. I swear to god, if this happens to me one more time I am renouncing all friendships forever, because this is too much and it's happened too many times. I cannot trust anybody for anything ever, because pretty much everybody ends up sucking.

I am saying this one more time. If you have a problem with me, tell me. If you hate me, do not talk to me. If you don't like hanging out with me, do not hang out with me. If you don't want to be around me, or talk to me, or be my friend, then don't. It's really pretty simple. I don't understand why no one gets this.

Can't we all just get along?

If I could see you I could strum you, I could break you, make you sing.

Well, I feel like I overcame something today. I auditioned for my first musical at AHS (The Wedding Singer, lolz). It was the first time I've ever really been nervous for an audition or being on stage in front of people, and it was certainly the first time I ever felt physically sick because of it. I know my voice was shaky and I know I could've done way way better, but I'm proud of myself for making myself do it. It probably doesn't seem like much but for me I feel like it was a really big accomplishment. So yay.

Senior year and stuff. That's all I really have to say about that.

And um. Anything really.

Senior year, kids. Ready?
Me neither.

Summer was:
--way too short
--way too jobless
--ignoring people who, a year ago, I spent all my time with
--enjoying being grounded because it meant I didn't have to make up excuses to not do things
--realizing how much I hate people whispering in my ear
--learning that a boyfriend is just out of the question
--still getting attached to and obsessed with someone in a matter of days
--not being in the same perfect happy long lasting friendship I was in a couple months ago
--not being in any of the same friendships I was in a couple months ago
--not really caring

School will be:
--forced confrontations no one wants to have that won't solve anything and won't make anything better
--not sleeping at night but still somehow not getting anything done
--new shoes!!
--wondering if I'll actually graduate
--hoping I'll actually graduate
--more drawing
--not being in any of the same friendships I was in a couple months ago
--not really caring

I am:
--not looking forward to it

I 'm okay.

I realize I probably don't have much reason for it, but I'm feeling more and more like it's me versus everyone else. Of course I have my friends but they tend to turn into enemies after a while so I almost don't even want to bother. I sometimes really do think everything would be easier if I just stopped talking to everyone. Like really, everyone. It would probably save some time, as it appears I can't hold friendships together worth shit. I've spent pretty much every Friday and Saturday for the last couple months at home by myself and I enjoyed it. I almost want to change schools next year just so I can be anonymous, at least for a little while. Things are pretty much sucking, maybe a change of environment and people is what I need.  It's really just time for me to suck it up and admit to myself that I'm exceptionally unhappy and there needs to be some drastic changes here pretty soon because I'm kind of losing it a little bit.

The fact that I'm seriously considering going to Amy Beihl or Highland or something next year is a little surprising even to me, but not having to see anyone I know every day could really be what I need.  That's probably why I'm looking forward to New Jersey so much this year, because I can just relax for a couple weeks and not give a shit what's going on in Albuquerque. Maybe I'll move.

Bitch bitch bitch whine whine whine, don't take me seriously.


I like sleeping. I like dreaming and knowing it. Things tend to fall apart for me when I'm awake. I can't do anything right. I can't take care of anything, I can't take care of myself. I'm a failure at pretty much everything I've ever tried.

Well I guess that's emo enough for now. I'll probably forget about it again for the next couple weeks and then explode again soon. Good times.

So, it's now beyond me needing to pay attention to things, and more like people need to stop believing everything they hear from people who don't know what they're talking about. Sincerely, all of my friends are sucking really hard right now except for like 4 of them. I never expected anything like this to happen but it is and I don't know how to deal with it because no one is talking to me about what they're hearing and thinking and what kind of stupid ideas they're going off of. I'm really hurt and upset and angry at people and I'm expecting Monday to really suck because I plan on confronting all of them. Granted, I guess I'm not completely innocent in this situation, but I haven't been doing bad things for the last two months straight and lying about it like everyone thinks. It's especially awful because these are people that promised me that stuff like this would never happen: they would never get unreasonable if they thought I needed help, they would never betray me, never talk about me behind my back, never not confront me on something really important, never turn out like so many of my past friends have. I guess I can't really be surprised but I'd like to think that this is one of the last things I expected. I don't even know. I plan on enjoying my weekend and not thinking about or talking to any of these people unless they talk to me first. The concert tonight is going to be awesome and I'm not going to let some stupid out of hand situation ruin it.
I feel better now that I said that.
The moral of the story, I guess, is that even your closest friends are not above being assholes about stupid stupid things that they think they know and doing things they said they would never do.

I've have a weird couple of weeks I think. I don't even know. Days, weeks, months, they're all kind of the same. I've been doing my best not to feel anything and I've been doing an alright job, but I had a wake up call today that kind of made me realize I need to pay more attention to everything. Everything, everyone. Everywhere. Everywhathow.
In light of trying renew several aspects of myself, if anyone has anything to say to me, I would appreciate it if they did. kthx
Yeah okay.

So, today I read Freakshow, by James St. James (the guy who wrote one of my favorite bookmovies all time, Party Monster/Disco Bloodbath. It was really really good, and I think I'm going to spend the rest of the night being sad about the world.

I only say that because I think it's a book everyone everywhere should read.

Just sayin.

Lately, learning about physics and time and size I'm obsessed with the idea that we only have this tiny sliver of awareness. We see a tiny sliver of the light spectrum. We hear a tiny sliver of all the sounds. And our brains whittle down what little we do intake to less and less and less so it makes some kind of sense to us. And we only have a tiny sliver of the universe and only a tiny sliver of the earth and only a paper-thin whisper of the unrecorded amounts of time and even less of less and less and less.

Things aren't always good. Sometimes there's a little bit of kind of fucked up stuff going on and it's just natural to get kind of down about it. Sometimes, though, it starts to be like a greased pole you're trying to hold on to and it takes on its own momentum.


I don't want to overstate it. I am an unreliable narrator.

 

You've been warned.

 

It is the near-miss that makes life taste sweetest. Annie Dillard, strategic as she was, made that very clear.


But underlying that or overlying it maybe is the sickening feeling that everything, everything is built on a house of cards. One puff of breath and it all collapses. Pema Chodron says that we fear that feeling of groundlessness above all, and yet it is essential to our development and our happiness to come to terms with it. Not to asuage ourselves by letting the curtain to fall again and cover our eyes, but to see what is and to accept it.

We do live in a house of cards.

It is just a matter of time before someone jostles the table and we all fall down.

 

Death, death, death. Loss, loss, loss. Vanity and despair. Gnashing of teeth and ripping of clothe.

 

All I have to be grateful for, and still there is this. Bitter feeling and lost. Mad at everyone, myself especially. Self-pity. Self-loathing. Wrapped around my own axle. It is a shameful, pitiful thing.

But it persists.
I persist in it.

A copy of a copy of a copy.

At any rate. I am gnawing on the bone-end of my own dissatisfaction and like any dog I find it hard to quit the endeavor.